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  • Jonathan Runyan

Why Has God Abandoned Me?


Dear Mom, 

Nothing can be so devastating as watching a child die. And perhaps there is nothing more painful when, beyond comprehension, it happens to be one of your very own.

Whether the loss was miscarriage, stillbirth, disease, a childhood accident or something else, a child loss remains what it is: the loss of someone close, precious, and loved.

When Amy began working for us I had little knowledge of how her own loss changed her and made her who she is today. 

Before continuing, if you’re a mom who’s suffered loss, please know that because each personality, death, and circumstance is different, so will the range of emotional responses. Some feel very little, some are not sure what to feel and some know nothing but the pain they’re experiencing. Know that each of these responses are normal.

During what ended up being a difficult search for a local individual with years of administrative and creative experience, coupled with needing someone with a very flexible day and night schedule (with the potential of adding more hours as time went on), after a few months of searching we finally found Amy.

While her presence at Rock Creek is digital, it's more than felt as she's been such a blessing to those of us on staff. But as I mentioned before, during the hiring phase I wasn't fully aware that she was regularly sharing a story in her life. It happened to be one of pain and suffering, and this story was real, life changing and life shaping.

But the change this season had on her life actually caused me to think more on someone else's suffering. The suffering of Jesus and His own Father.

How often we fail to grasp that it was real. 

How often it becomes a concept in our mind and not life changing. If it is not shaping our lives, then it's an idea in our minds and not a reality in our hearts.

The loss of someone close, precious and loved.

And if a parent can only feel while failing to describe the pain that's in their hearts, then what words can we ever have for what happened to God Himself? What did the Father experience? And what experience did His Son have?

Mat 26:38 Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

God watched His own son Jesus die. 

For you. What kind of love would do that?

Not by disease or accident, but He willingly gave away His son for you. Just as the love and pain is real in your own heart, it was real in the heart of God. That kind of love does not have descriptions or comparisons. Like parents who've lost a child, we're at a loss for words. But for a parent who did it willingly, what could ever describe that kind of love?

Death and heartache happen to us. God chose it for Himself.

"...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us..."

-Romans 5:8

It was real. It happened. And it happened for you. Think on it as much as you can. Believe it in times of doubt. And in seasons of pain and suffering that we cannot describe and perhaps were never meant to understand, we can be comforted by another Father, one who gave away a child out of love for our very souls. 

-

For those of you who have suffered child loss, Amy will be hosting a conference on this topic in North Carolina on Nov. 9th. 

In her own words, "grief (however it arrives in our lives) tries to isolate us and this retreat is a place to be seen, heard, and understood by moms who get this particular journey so that the isolation doesn't have to be carried on top of the grief."

If you’re a mom who’s suffered loss, please know that because each personality, death, and circumstance is different, so will the range of emotional responses. Some feel very little, some are not sure what to feel and some know nothing but the pain they’re experiencing. Know that each of these responses are normal.

Wholehearted Retreat

Grief Resources


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